I just remembered that I haven’t written anything in over two months. At this rate I’ll need to rename the blog to PaulJokesFairlyInfrequently, which is nowhere near as catchy.
So my New Year’s Resolution is to take over the world. And write more often. The second thing is more relevant for this post. (The first thing you should probably just forget I said, unless you have some evil robots you need taken off your hands. Or undead minions. I’m not really picky. Also looking for a nice teapot—got some new teas for Christmas and I’d like to…uh…wow, this went from a parenthetical aside to some kind of parenthetical zombie-subtopic-wandering-around-in-search-of-an-ending. Or in search of a teapot. Probably both.)
I just don’t like it when something is not as advertised and naming the blog PaulJokesALot feels like a misrepresentation of sorts given how infrequently I’ve posted. It’s like when you find yourself on the internet at 3am on a Tuesday morning just scrolling away (as happens to us all occasionally after a hard day or sometimes even an easy one that was just filled with too many, you know, people) happily binge-watching old clips of Mississippi Burning (because goddammit sometimes you forget how badass Gene Hackman is) when you see this link to an article titled These Celebrities Can’t Stand Keanu Reeves. And you think “But I heard he was a nice guy. He sure seems like a nice guy. Who the hell doesn’t like him?” and you click the link because, well, who knows why. Your brain, after all, was the same organ responsible for the stupendous decision-making that has you scrolling the internet at 3am on a work night. Meanwhile your kidneys are both like “We remembered Gene Hackman is a badass. We wanted to be in bed five hours ago.” Then they give you the sudden urge to pee, out of spite.
When you get back from the bathroom the article is loaded but the page is just a bunch of ads and a short blurb explaining how mostly everyone LOVES Keanu (told ya) but here’s a slideshow of people who don’t. And already you start thinking “Waitaminute…they just ‘don’t love him’? I thought these people ‘can’t stand him’?” which is, of course, the correct question to be asking and one which is answered when you click the first link. Which brings up some interview with a celebrity chef who never says anything nice about anyone where said chef doesn’t say anything nice about Keanu when discussing some interaction only marginally related to Keanu. So now you’re thinking, “That’s not what ‘can’t stand’ means. That’s just…a normal, casual, adult conversation.” But at this point you don’t want to feel like an idiot for clicking on something that was so very obviously clickbait so you see who the next person is. And it’s some character actor who was pissed at Keanu because Keanu cut him off in the parking lot of the studio when they were filming Speed. But then the actor realized later it was actually Dennis Hopper that had cut him off.
Now you’re thinking, “SO…THAT WASN’T EVEN KEANU! AND, ALSO, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU IF YOUR VISION IS GOOD ENOUGH TO BE DRIVING BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO DISTINGUISH KEANU REEVES FROM DENNIS HOPPER!?!” And you’re so pissed that you mistakenly click the link to see the next celebrity who, in all likelihood, doesn’t mind Keanu Reeves at all. Luckily it brings you instead to another clickbait article titled These Critics Now Consider Charles in Charge a Sitcom Masterpiece. I say “luckily” because—even at what is now 3:30am on a Tuesday morning—you’re like, “Then those critics are freaking idiots” and maybe you finally turn off the computer.
So that’s my point: I need to take over the world before Charles in Charge gets re-booted. No, wait, that wasn’t my point. What was my point? Oh, yes, clickbait. I need to write more often so the blog name is no longer misleading as to the relative frequency of my joking.
But until then check out these Top 5 Foods That Cause an Itchy Uvula, #3 Is In Your Freezer…
